courtney, duh.

been awhile..

Sun, 18 Nov 2012 20:19:55 -0500

had a pretty rough day today and realized that the last time i let some words flow onto this thing was my last day in panama back in april so figured maybe it would help to get some thoughts out again.

i have not been living my life right AT ALL since i have been back in the states. i have been so incredibly selfish, hurting people, using people, making poor life decisions, hanging out with the wrong people, just as a whole not being a good person.

i don’t know what changed me so much coming from panama to here, but today i came to the realization that i need to turn my life around and stop living the way i have. treat people the way i want to be treated. make positive impacts on people in my every day life. start living a life of purpose and not simply going through the motions and getting stuck in a life that i am not proud of living.

- i need to start setting goals

- i need to stop letting people use me, and stop using other people

- i need to invest in healthy activity: more exercising, more brain expanding, more yoga

- i need to make an active plan for myself in getting out of here and getting to a point where i want to be

back from bocas. :( honestly, i almost didn’t leave. have you ever been somewhere that just...

Thu, 19 Apr 2012 08:13:25 -0400

back from bocas. :(

honestly, i almost didn’t leave. have you ever been somewhere that just felt so right that you never wanted to leave? that’s how i felt about bocas. met so many amazing people, had such a great time, pretty beaches, happy faces.. waiting for the bus yesterday i was like what the hell am i doing leaving this place? but then i just thought to myself that i WILL come back and now have a motivation to make money and start a life for myself.

today is my last 24 hours in panama. so confused, lost, and really sad to have to leave this place that has changed me so much. i feel sort of guilty and bad that all my friends and family are looking forward to me coming home, and i just can’t seem to muster up the same excitement and can’t even really seem to get the words out that i’m trying to say here.

le sigh.

bocas has been absolutely incredible so far. met a girl on the beach yesterday who had come here for...

Sat, 14 Apr 2012 21:36:07 -0400

bocas has been absolutely incredible so far.

met a girl on the beach yesterday who had come here for a few days to give her boyfriend space. they have been living in costa rica for the past seven months, but she is originally from quebec and is going home the week after me. we spent the whole day and night together sharing stories, advice, and discussing matters of life. i was telling her the troubles i’ve been having lately of dealing with the fact that my journey here in panama is rapidly coming to an end, and i’m not looking forward to the return home. she gave me some solid words which really made me feel pretty good (still not happy to go home though). she told me that everything is part of life’s journey and spending too much time in one place ruins the magic and beauty of the place for you. valid point.

today i went to bluff beach with a friend i met last night. the beach was absolutely gorgeous, the sun was hot, the water was crystal clear and cooling. the visuals i have had here in panama do not compare to anything i could have ever thought of. i’m just trying to really take in my last few days here and engrave into my mind the sights i see and people i meet.

it’s amazing how many crazy thoughts i have a day. panama is truly inspiring.

alrighty guys, sending myself off from panama SO proper. headed to bocas del toro for 3 nights then...

Wed, 11 Apr 2012 19:43:02 -0400

alrighty guys, sending myself off from panama SO proper. headed to bocas del toro for 3 nights then boquette for 3 nights and going completely solo. bought my bus ticket this morning, heading out tonight on the over night bus. never traveled alone, and never for this long so i’m extremely excited/anxious/grateful to test myself on this experience and see the last two places in panama i’ve been waiting to get to all semester!

bocas will be purely beach fun times and a little fiesta-ing at night. i’m meeting up with a family i met in the city that has been living in bocas for a few months now (look up unstoppable family on facebook if you’re interested). we’re gonna have a drink and they’re gonna show me around before they head back to the states for some state side living for awhile. i plan to reflect, chill, and get a tan before i’m off to boquette.

in boquette i plan to hike the highest peak in panama right when i get there. it’s a looong hike, anywhere from 10-12 hours round trip, so i’m really going to be pushing myself, but at the top you can see both oceans and i’ve been waiting to do this for awhile now so i hope i can push on til the end. holyrunonsentence. [my brain is working really fast right now so just trying to get all this out before i have to finish packing and head to the bus stop!] also in boquette i plan to check out the natural hot springs, take a coffee farm tour, and a zipline canopy tour of the rainforest. it’s gonna be a great experience and i’m itching to cast off!

i’m gonna have to say goodbye to everyone tonight since most people will have already have gone home by the time i get back and i’m not looking forward to this at all. when i first got to panama i couldn’t help but feel like i was going to have trouble fitting in with these people.. everyone was not typical people i would hang out with at home, and i just felt anxious and like i didn’t quite fit in. over these past 3ish months, these people have become my family. they’ve shared in laughter with me, hugged me during tears, shared secrets, created memories, engaged in conversations, shared similar emotions.. i just can’t begin to describe all these relationships and all the growth that not only me, but collectively as a whole, we’ve all gone through.

the thought of me leaving has been burning a hole in the back of my mind, and i can’t help but to think about it as i go through my daily motions: this will be the last time i see this amazing landscape, better go to my favorite places cause i won’t be able to soon, is this going to be the last time i hug so-and-so.. it’s extremely daunting and sad, but is an inevitable part of life. i’ve tried to soak in all that i can from every experience i’ve had recently, let people who i care about know just how much they’ve made an impact on my life, and just cherish all these memories and events that i know i will never forget.

i know i sound like a broken record when i keep saying this, but words can never express how truly grateful i am and have been for this experience. the only way to describe my feelings during my time here is pure, untainted happiness. i’ve learned so much, grown so much, and never have felt as alive and amazing as i have felt being a part of kalu yala and in panama. the community outreach girls all gave our final presentations in front of the interns, directors, and CEO today and i had to hold back tears for the amazing feeling i had listening to my girls tell everyone just how much we accomplished this semester. i feel so incredibly proud of the positive direct impact me and my peers made in the san miguel community. i’m going to share a bit about what each of us did:

hannah: hannah is an urban and city planning major and wanted to put her knowledge to good use. she decided to turn the public space of san miguel into a bright and colorful place. her first project was to paint large barrels and place them by the river to remind san miguel inhabitants NOT to pollute the river. we had a blast painting designs on the barrels and they made their debut at our rio clean up day and are still there! her second project was designing a mural that she was going to paint in the “cancha” (a recreation space near the school). she designed the mural, got all the paints and supplies necessary, sketched the mural on the wall, and invited the kids of san miguel to come help paint. the mural turned out GREAT and the kids loved it. it really made a difference. now the cancha is bright and cheerful and a place to be proud of.

tiffany: tiffany was a strong presence in the school at san miguel. she taught K-3 classes and loved every minute of it. tiffany never took one vacation day, and really took charge and initiative in the school. her mom is a dental hygienist, so she had her send down a ton of dental supplies and information packets. tiffany organized a dental production, which she went to i think 9 other schools in the area and presented. the kids LOVED it and it definitely made an impact on them because now they know about dental hygiene and will hopefully keep it up!

lillian: lillian noticed the incredible amount of plastic bags that were scattered around the apartment from everyone going to the grocery store so often. she decided to make canvas kalu yala bags for us, and future interns to use, to reduce our ecological footprint and take a step in the right direction for a sustainable company. she also wanted to have the chickens lay eggs in san miguel. we had the chickens, but didn’t know what to do in order to have them produce eggs. she re-vamped the chicken coop, did a lot of research on chickens, and we bought a rooster! she also taught the 4-6 grades.

anyways, i really need to finish packing and get ready to go, but wanted to put a few thoughts down before i shipped out.

just got back from my last valley stay and boy did i have a GREAT time. tiffany, hannah, and i went...

Mon, 09 Apr 2012 18:37:09 -0400

just got back from my last valley stay and boy did i have a GREAT time. tiffany, hannah, and i went to pedasi for a few days and got back late saturday night. woke up easter sunday am and was trying to decide if i had the energy and motivation for the journey to the valley. finally dragged my ass out of bed with the help of my good friend lillian and we headed out to our final stay in the valley and san miguel.

luckily when we got to san miguel, all of the cars and people were there ready to go and gave us a ride in. thank god because that saved us from having to do a two hour up hill hike in the unforgiving panama heat. once we got to the valley, i got a little tour of it since i hadn’t been since the first week of my internship! things had really changed, so proud of all the work my friends have done out there!

this morning had a strenuous, but amazing hike out to san miguel. got to say one final farewell to the house and aura :( so, so sad. san miguel is such an amazingly beautiful and awesome place with the best people there. really sad to have to leave a place that i felt so connected to, but incredibly grateful for the experience!

this morning while everyone else at the san miguel house chose to have a relaxing movie day, i...

Wed, 04 Apr 2012 14:21:00 -0400

this morning while everyone else at the san miguel house chose to have a relaxing movie day, i dragged myself up and out to get a little exercise. not only do i need it, but also how many more chances am i going to have to wake up in the morning and take a beautiful, challenging hike in the natural beauty of panama? i tried to take it in as much as possible, as this may be the last time i am in san miguel if i don’t make it out next week. lizards scurring around, the extremely challenging landscape of panama, all the great shades of greens in the hills and valleys, all the cattle and livestock of the area, and the friendly faces of all my neighbors along the way. i hiked to where i usually do, the first river crossing on the way to the valley. when i got there, i took some time to reflect on how much i’ve grown since i’ve been here and just taking in how incredibly blessed i’ve been to experience all that i have while i’ve been here in panama. cannot express it enough to myself, my family, and my friends. i had some extremely rough times before i came down here and through all the hardships i’ve dealt with, i feel that this trip could not have come at a better time for me. i will no longer take my relationships with my friends and family for granted, have learned to value all that i have and find out all the good i am capable of doing and have been inspired to do during my time here in san miguel.

as i was walking, i was thinking about the sense of community, the relationships with other people, and the general vibe of the people in san miguel. these thoughts are no great revelation, and i’m sure plenty of other people have encountered these same trains of thoughts.. but the people in san miguel just seem so much happier and friendlier and community oriented than other cultures and places i have lived. then i started to think that maybe it’s because they have fewer distractions.. us in the states with our laptops, TVs, cars, phones.. in san miguel, they do not have these distractions and (shocker!) they are HAPPIER, healthier, do more outdoor activities, are family oriented, etc. if we spent more time away from all these distractions, i feel that the quality of our relationships would other people would increase drastically. when i get home, i’m going to strive to not fall back into my old patterns. spend more time doing things that are productive, worthwhile, create better relationships with people, contributing to the greater good. i may just be rambling here, but hiking alone in paradise really gives you time to think and reflect and i just wanted to share my thought process a little while i still remembered it!

Tue, 03 Apr 2012 09:25:44 -0400

came back early to san miguel yesterday because my adults told me they wanted to have a party for me. we left the details of the event extremely unclear so i was unsure if it was actually going to happen, but if it was, i didn’t want to miss it!

lillian has her friend in town from texas, so we all made the trek out here together. the bus was crowded as hell and i felt bad she had to experience that, but she seemed really easy going and enjoyed the chaos :) we finally made it to san miguel and decided to take her to the fonda to get some local eats. it was extremely hot yesterday so after eating, we went to the rio to cool off for awhile. after that, we walked around san miguel, showed her the sights… we bumped into marlena from my class and she asked me if i was ready for the party and we walked to jose’s house together. i was a little surprised at how much planning and effort they had put into it! all the people in my class were there with their girlfriends/wives/families and they were cooking up a storm! all the traditional panamanian foods that i love: chicken, patacones, and this other thing that i forget what it’s called. i felt so happy and blessed that they had done all this just for me! when the party was winding down they presented me with some gifts they had gotten for me, and a written letter that they had gotten translated. took all i had not to cry!

i am going to miss the sense of community i’ve grown to love in san miguel. when we first arrived, i felt like the token gringa whenever we walked through town, but now when i walk around children are screaming “HEY TEACHER!” and we exchange smiles and waves with all the people we’ve grown to know.

a big difference i’ve noticed between the popuations of the states and panama is the eagerness and willingness that panamanians have to communicate and help here. usually in the states when you’re on a bus/cab/sidewalk everyone keeps to themselves, avoids eye contact, or are staring at their phones. in panama, a totally different story. complete strangers go out of their way to say hey, good morning, or if you need help- give you directions and help you out. i don’t know what has happened to the sense of comraderie or community in the united states. maybe it’s the fear of being vulnerable, maybe it’s the media’s installation of fear in our brains that everyone is bad and that we should always be wary or afraid to communicate with strangers? whatever it is, it’s sad that we can no longer be open and willing to express ourselves to others and make relations with people in our day to day lives.

i’ve been thinking a lot about how weiiiiiird it’s going to be to go home. i had such anxiety on the way here wondering what it was going to be like, if i was going to make friends, how my life was going to change, etc.. and now i feel myself having that same anxiety to go home.. are things going to be different (of course), how my life is going to be, am i going to be happy? kind of overwhelming to think about at times, but still trying to enjoy every last day i have in panama!

i’ll be hiking out to the valley today for the first time since the first week i was in panama! excited to see the progress and have a fun time with the valley crew :)

teaching my final adult english class and look out the window to see some of the girls hula hooping...

Wed, 28 Mar 2012 17:02:16 -0400

teaching my final adult english class and look out the window to see some of the girls hula hooping with the hoops we made in my workshop the other day. so rewarding! what a great and wonderful ride this has been and sad to see it winding down.

finally killed our obese white chicken we had in san miguel a short few hours ago. some of the boys from the valley slit her neck and are now preparing her for our sancocho dinner! (sancocho is a traditional panamanian dish; their version of chicken and rice soup)

i’ve been trying to accept the fact that i’m going to be headed home soon and dealing with all that entails. to think back on how nervous i was to be coming down here and unsure really of it’s what i wanted is so funny to me now. i never could have dreamed of having such an amazing internship experience as the one i’ve had here in panama with kalu yala. i’ve learned so much about myself while being down here and i just hope i can share with the world the happiness and clarity that i’ve come to find.

pretty nails ;)

Tue, 27 Mar 2012 15:15:38 -0400

pretty nails ;)

the librarian at my school just told me i need to love myself so that i can love others. i asked her...

Tue, 27 Mar 2012 15:11:52 -0400

the librarian at my school just told me i need to love myself so that i can love others. i asked her what she was talking about and she pointed to my stretched ears and dreads.. -___- isn’t it 2012? do we still not accept people for their physical attributes? geez louise.

on another note, mission: get courtney back in shape is in full force. last night had a hot yoga sesh, this morning hiked for an hour with the other courtney and we’ve been eating healthy all week :)

really excited about a possible au pair position in Brazil that has opened up for me. the family is originally from Norfolk, and went to Norfolk Academy, small world! erin and i discussed this last night and we felt that this was the voice of the universe speaking directly to me. let’s hope it hears me talking back!

throughout your life people come and go, friendships fade, people grow apart, but everyone you meet...

Fri, 23 Mar 2012 02:24:18 -0400

throughout your life people come and go, friendships fade, people grow apart, but everyone you meet is put in your life for a reason. i want to take some time out to write about my latest and greatest lesson teacher i’ve met in panama, my dear friend erin keigher.

never in my life have i had a friend that i’ve just felt to be on the same exact wavelength as me. same passions, same desires, same big dreams and open minds and hearts, ahh.. i am so grateful to the universe for providing me such a great friend and mentor for me while i have been on this journey. i have learned so incredibly much from this girl, i can’t even put into words. lessons in love, consciousness, living openly, expressing myself, not letting things get me down, learning to let go, go with the flow, if only i could list every single message and every single memory i’ve made with this chick this would be a realllly long blog, but you see where i’m going with this..

i have never been so happy and so balanced in my life and i owe a lot of this in part to erin. i would not have had nearly the kalu yala experienced i’ve had so far had it not have been for her. no amount of words can i say to express how blessed i am and how much i will miss my home girl when we go our separate ways, but i will always carry a piece of her in my heart and will never forget the important lessons and values she has instilled in me.

if you’re reading, love you fam. <3 from the bottom of my heart!

on a happier note, i absolutely love teaching english to adults and seeing how much they progress...

Wed, 21 Mar 2012 17:41:28 -0400

on a happier note, i absolutely love teaching english to adults and seeing how much they progress due to my guidance each and every class. i love each and every one of my students that have stuck with me this semester. seriously touches me to the bottom of my heart <3

Wed, 21 Mar 2012 17:23:42 -0400

so many areas of my life are at a crossroads right now. friends are growing up and settling down, i’m shifting from student to ???, where to live, what to do, and whether or not to listen to my head or my heart.

it makes me sad that my nearest and dearest friends are settling down and growing further from me, or so it feels. i am happy for them, of course, but still falling into the #2 is never easy. and feeling like friendships are fading isn’t something i enjoy either. granted, i’m countries away, i just feel like when i return things are going to be different, and not for the better. i guess that’s the inevitable flow of life, but something i wasn’t quite expecting to face just yet.

a constant burden on my mind as time is ticking down here in panama is what’s next? so many possibilities, so many routes i could take, how is a girl (a very indecisive girl at that) supposed to make a decision that could potentially affect the rest of her life?! geez. hopefully i will know when the right decision is presented to me on what’s next for me.

and now, the struggle between the head and heart. a recurring theme in the life of court. my heart has been overflowing with love and light these past couple weeks. an unexpected return from el amor de ma vida has left me questioning myself, my choices, the rest of my life…

for all these unanswered questions i send my thoughts to the universe and hope to get some sort of response showing me the way *

i already touched on this on my facebook, but i’m going to say it again. not having a cell...

Tue, 20 Mar 2012 16:59:33 -0400

i already touched on this on my facebook, but i’m going to say it again. not having a cell phone for the past two months has really opened my eyes to how i acted when i did have one. numerous times i would catch myself not even listening to the person talking to me as my eyes were fixed on my cell phone screen. or look around where i am to see zombies everywhere transfixed to their little devices. how extremely rude i was on several occasions out to dinner with boyfriends, family members, and friends and paying more attention to my phone than i was to them. i would find myself scrolling through pointless texts, tweets, and facebook posts that i had already read a million times, and for what?

not having a cell phone has truly taught me the value of human relationships and respect when in social situations. i will no longer be a slave to my cell phone and frankly don’t even want one when i return, but such is life.

one of the best and worst things about traveling is the “temporary-ness” of friendships...

Sun, 18 Mar 2012 17:04:41 -0400

one of the best and worst things about traveling is the “temporary-ness” of friendships and experiences. i have met so many great people on this journey, truly open and inspiring people but at the end of the day, we usually end up going our separate ways. it’s great to have the opportunity to meet so many special people while i’m here, but it’s always hard for me to say goodbye not knowing when or if i will see them again. it’s really taught me to lay my troubles in fate and know that what is meant to be will always find a way!

let it out.

Wed, 14 Mar 2012 11:01:40 -0400

let it out.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1lWi1dGT9UY

Wed, 14 Mar 2012 11:00:52 -0400

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1lWi1dGT9UY:

i feel i never told you the story of the ghost

that i once knew and talked to

of whom i’d never boast..

cause this was my big secret

how i get ahead

and never have to worry,

i’d call him instead.

his answer came in actions…

he never spoke a word

or maybe i laid down the phone

before he could be heard..

i somehow feel forsaken,

like he had closed the door..

i guess i just stopped needing him

as much as once before…

thank you www.reallyghetto.com for turning my frown upside down today. you’re welcome.

Tue, 13 Mar 2012 16:38:29 -0400

thank you www.reallyghetto.com for turning my frown upside down today. you’re welcome.

lindsey's visit

Mon, 12 Mar 2012 10:21:40 -0400

MONDAY

monday am we spent the day wandering around the city. hit up NY bagel for a breakfast sammy before getting the day started. then we went to the canal. it was pretty interesting and also met a guy from portsmouth there, small world! after the canal we walked around casco viejo for a little while. had to face the facts that i had to go to san miguel so we braved the public bus system. fairly smooth ride there, minus waiting over an hour for the first bus. showed lindsey around san miguel then called it a day.

TUESDAY

spent most of the day lounging, then went to my adult ESL class. it was cool to be able to show her what i’ve been up to down here a little bit. after class we headed back to the city and just chilled as we were leaving at 5 for san blas!

WEDNESDAY

olmendo picked us up right on time and we were on our way to san blas! the ride there was not too pleasant and when we got to the port it was raining :( kinda a bummer, but still trying to make the best of it! the bus ride to robinson’s was nothing short of miserable. it was pretty cool and VERY wet. when we got to the island we looked like drowned kittens, not pleasant. we dried off and explored the island a bit. made friends with some of the people who were on the island. there was a big variation of nationalities: german, holland, swiss, australian, american, british.. definitely cool to hang out with so many types of people.

THURSDAY

we went on two tours today.. one to snorkle at starfish island and one to carti, the largest kuna community in san blas. we saw a lot of starfish on the island and had a photoshoot with one poor starfish for about 30 minutes haha. it was a good time. carti was so interesting. there were 3800 kuna living on the island equipped with their own hospital, congress, stores, solar panels and even a phone booth! it was definitely an awesome experience and glad we had a chance to see how they live. we decided today to cut our trip a day short because the weather was less than desirable so we figured we could do something else in the city.

FRIDAY

woke up early and shipped on out. when we got back to the city it was great weather so we headed to the pool finally for a day of sun!

SATURDAY

went to isla taboga for the day. it was a pretty nice beach, minus the abundance of dead fish washed up on the shore! met some cool people that we hung out with for most of the day. came back and went to “crepes y waffles” for dinner. it was so good!

SUNDAY

lindsey headed out and i spent the rest of the day at the pool. great conversation to top off my night :)

NOW

off to san miguel shortly!

mainfestation

Mon, 12 Mar 2012 09:49:31 -0400

recently, most notably after my envision trip, i have been thinking a lot about manifestation and how plausible it is to actually manifest something to happen and whether or not it is actually something real or just happens to be good luck. on our envision trip, everything fell perfectly into place. was it meant to be, did we manifest it with our energy, or was it all just perfect luck?

i want to believe that we can manifest anything we want in life. i believe that i have successfully done this after getting out of a dark time i had been going through the past year or so. however, one aspect of my life has me a little jolted. i have this pesky pessimistic devil on my shoulder that often tells me not to think things are going as well as they are, because chances are they won’t stay that way. on the other shoulder i have my dear friend whispering to go with the flow, manifest your desires, and if it’s meant to be, it will be.

going with the flow is a grace i’ve almost mastered during my times in the tropics as it’s essential to life here, however with matters of the heart things sometimes get off track. for now, all there is to do is wait, make a request to the universe, and hope for the best, because that which i am waiting for is truly the very best :)